


i know that you won't get this (but I'll leave a message so i'm not alone)

by jilixcore



Series: im projecting [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Depressed Han Jisung | Han, Established Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Ghost Han Jisung | Han, HAN AND HYUNJIN ARE BESTFRIENDS, Han Jisung | Han-centric, Hurt No Comfort, Im Projecting, M/M, Other, Platonic Relationships, Sad Bang Chan, Sad Ending, Sad Han Jisung | Han, Sad Hwang Hyunjin, Sad Kim Seungmin, Sad Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Sad Lee Minho | Lee Know, Sad Seo Changbin, Sad Yang Jeongin | I.N, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, han and hyunjin are soulmates idc, jisung is actually changbin's favourite shh, jisung loves his members sm okay, sad everyone tbh, this is just sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:07:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27447592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jilixcore/pseuds/jilixcore
Summary: Jisung is not okay, but he figures he can’t leave without saying goodbye first.Or: Ghost Jisung kissing each member for the last time.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Han Jisung | Han, Han Jisung | Han & Everyone, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Felix, Han Jisung | Han/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Han Jisung | Han/Seo Changbin, Han Jisung | Han/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Series: im projecting [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005333
Comments: 26
Kudos: 239





	i know that you won't get this (but I'll leave a message so i'm not alone)

**Author's Note:**

> this isnt much of a tear-jerker but i literally woke up and thought 'hey lets write a sad han jisung centric fic!' because im mentally unstable especially these past few weeks and writing is my only way out. 
> 
> there's a brief mention of an ex-member who left, just a reminisce of the situation and not the actual name or person and it's only for a paragraph.
> 
> title is from louis tomlinson's 'Two of Us'
> 
> this is not beta'd so there's be grammatical errors and changes of tenses.

Jisung is weak. Not physically though, if going against Felix and Minho during their one battle on Finding Stray Kids is anything to go by. Jisung’s mentally weak and it’s obvious he has anxieties. What the others didn’t know, though, is the constant battle he has inside his head, and how he’s already lost.

Promotions are over and they’re a sleep away from the first day of their one week break. Jisung hurriedly went to his and Jeongin’s shared bedroom and began rummaging through his stuff.

Jeongin chuckled as he took off his clothes and Jisung stopped for a moment., slightly taking in the younger’s laugh. “Hyung, don’t go messing around everything now! It’ll be hard to pack tomorrow.”

“Jeongin-ah, what’s that hoodie of mine that you wanted so bad?” Jisung asked, sitting cross legged on the floor right in front of his small drawer.

“The yellow one! Wait, why are you suddenly giving it to me?” Jeongin asked. “Not that I’m complaining, though.”

“It’s getting too worn out with me.” Jisung huffed as he pulled the hoodie from the bottom pile of his shirts, all of them stumbling out of the drawer. “Oops. Anyways, take care of this, okay?”

“Okay!” Jeongin took it from his outstretched hand and immediately put it on. 

Jisung felt a sudden wave of sadness and he felt himself so close to tearing up. Jeongin beamed at him and everything was okay for a moment. 

“Thanks, Hyung!” Jeongin beamed before heading out towards their door. “Change quickly. It’s movie night.”

Jisung's smile faltered and he was glad the youngest was out the door before he saw it. The thought of this night being the last night he gets to experience this with the other members crossed his mind and a stray tear fell. He immediately wiped it away and quickly got up to change. Not wanting to be alone with his thoughts or else he would rethink his decision and Jisung doesn’t want that, because his mind is already made. And Jisung is nothing but stubborn.

He put a smile on his face and he felt content. It’s a sad smile, yet a happy one. Sad that this is the last moment he’ll have with the others- his **_family_ **. Happy that after days of faking his smile, this one he can say is actually genuine. 

He quickly made his way to their living room, Felix’s baked cookies filling the air as he and Chan placed two steaming plates in front of Minho and Jisung, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two paused in their television as the members individually changed to a more comfy clothing and made themselves comfortable around the living room.

“Isn’t that Sungie’s hoodie?” Minho asked from his spot beside Jisung, looking at Jeongin who just got out with Hyunjin from the bigger bedroom.

“Yeah! He finally gave it to me. Hyung can’t resist me.” Jeongin joked and Jisung pretended to be offended as the others laughed. It’s not like Jeongin’s wrong, though he does adore the youngest. He just gave it for a completely different reason.

“Woah, he gave me his bracelet just the other day too. As well as his plushie to Felix.” Hyunjin mused.

“ _The_ plushie? Your plushie you refused for us to even touch?” Chan commented, looking completely bewildered over a _plushie_.

“Ah, enough! I was thinking of rebranding myself,” Jisung wiggled his eyebrows, earning a groan from everyone. “I know all of you look up to my fashion so I thought why not give everyone a piece of me? Remember the old Jisung!”

Changbin smacked him with a pillow. “I don’t think a plushie and the polaroid picture of us is considered fashion, but thanks anyways.”

“Stop being sappy or I’ll cry,” Jisung wished he was joking. “Harry can’t defeat Voldemort by himself.” He gestured towards the television.

“He actually did."

“Oh my God. Spoilers, Seungmin!” Minho whined.

“You act as if you haven’t watched this.”

The banters soon ended when Chan played the movie, everyone abruptly stopping speaking over each other.

**++**

**_02:35_ **

Jisung honestly doesn’t know what is happening on the screen. It’s their third movie and everyone insisted on watching it before heading to sleep, because even if they deny it, Jisung knows everyone will miss each other even with just a week of not seeing each other.

It really is bittersweet. Jisung’s happy that his struggles are ending and it’s such a sick thought. Nights of being convinced he’ll never be enough and feeling like a burden will end. He’s gonna be finally free from the spotlight and the anxiety of always having to be perfect.

“ _I_ _’m so selfish.”_ he thought. “ _It’s not like everyone doesn’t feel that way. We’re idols.”_

They have the same troubles, yet the only difference is he’s not as strong as them. He glanced around just in time the character said a punch line, witnessing everybody laugh and he smiled to himself. He’s sad that he’d leave this family, yet relieved how close and strong all their bond is. That whatever’s about to happen tonight, everyone would have each other’s backs and Jisung’s worries went away.

(He feels bad because they would go through the hardest part of their career again; this time, without another member. They’d experience rerecording everything again and changing the choreos, and hopefully they won’t discard photoshoots where he’s there. Another session in the studio will be held again where Changbin and Chan would go inside when one of them breaks down over a lost member’s voice. 

He wondered if they’d rerecord, though, or they’ll keep his voice in the tracks. He hoped they would, he wants to keep his love for music alive and he wants to sing songs where Stays would be able to sing along with him, even if he’s not physically there anymore.)

“Hey,” Minho whispered beside him, giving his hand a gentle squeeze and snapping him out of his thoughts. Minho’s always great at distracting Jisung. “Lost you for a moment. What are you thinking about?”

“It’s nothing. I’ll just miss you, guys.” Jisung whispered back, voice shaking slightly.

Minho quietly chuckled. “You act as if we won’t see each other again. It would only be a week.”

“Yeah.” He glanced at their interlaced fingers, smiling down at his favourite ring perched on Minho’s fingers instead. He always knew the ring would look better on his boyfriend. Jisung always wanted to give Minho a ring someday and that seems impossible now, so he figured a promise ring would hopefully be enough. 

He looked back at the elder. “There are toys and foods for Soonie, Doongie, and Dori, by the way. It’s under my bed.”

Minho rolled his eyes. “If you’re saying that because you’d be asleep and won’t be able to remind me, stop it. You’ll sleep in and miss your train, won’t you? I’m waking you up along with the others.”

Jisung can’t do anything but nod.

**_03:14_ **

Jisung detangled himself from the mess of limbs on the couch and quietly stood up. They’re all probably gonna regret this, considering all of them have to wake up at five in the morning and everyone just fell asleep half an hour ago. He looked at them and smiled. He can’t help smiling whenever he looks at them at any time. No matter what anyone says, the members are Jisung’s main source of happiness.

Is it really worth it? He wants to perform with them until they are all old and have gray hairs. He wants to go back at the time when glancing at the members laughing is enough for Jisung to be okay. That one cookie from Felix is enough to energize him while writing. That his worries would melt whenever Seungmin would decide to annoy him. 

Where did it all go wrong anyways? There’s always that constant voice in his head reminding him he’s not enough. Not enough as the other members have been for him. He always made Chan and Changbin look out for him and his writing during songwriting. He would have Hyunjin or Minho stay behind more often than he can count just to help him perfect the choreo, even though they are probably more tired than him. Jeongin always picks up after him at their mess of a room.

He’s done nothing in return of all of that. Jisung’s always felt like a burden, anyways. To his parents, his friends back in Malaysia, and to them. They have potential, they’re called the leaders of Fourth Generation K-POP and Jisung doesn’t want to drag them down with him. Jisung doesn’t want them to look after him just because he can’t do it himself. He’d throw himself out of a sinking boat if it means the others would safely get back on land.

He turned off the television and went to their storage room to take out some blankets before going back to the living room.

He crouched down in front of the couch, covering Hyunjin with a blanket who’s curled up on himself with his head on Felix’s lap. Felix's head is on Chan’s shoulder while Chan has his head on Felix’s own and Jisung bit his lip to keep himself from crying when Felix smiled in his sleep when Jisung finally covered their bodies with blanket, careful as to not accidentally covering Hyunjin’s head with it.

He covered the last two blankets to the members passed out on the couch. One around Seungmin, Jeongin, and Minho’s shoulders and the last one on Changbin who’s sprawled across the other three’s laps. He then kneeled down and put socks on Seungmin’s feet, because he knows the other gets cold easily than the other members.

He looked one last time at them and how they all looked so peaceful, this time, he made no effort in holding back his tears as it slowly fell from his eyes and went towards his and Jeongin’s shared room.

He sat on his bed and looked out at their window. The moon was smiling down at him and he felt at ease. He’s glad he gets to witness the moon’s beauty before everything. Glad he witnessed Stray Kids’ beauty and growth before he leaves them.

He debated whether or not leaving something for Stays, then deciding that a note would be too cliché. He then went and grabbed his phone from where it's charging and quickly logged into their account on Instagram. He picked a random photo of himself, then a picture of all of them before writing a caption and sending it, reading the comments and the words they held. He wants to take a piece from Stays when he leaves too, and their words will do.

Jisung’s a coward. He knows it. The other member knows it. That’s why he picked the easiest way and calmest way he can think of. He’s getting sleepy anyways. 

Jisung quickly fished out his antidepressants from his bedside drawer and sighed. It’s the easiest. It’s not messy, and it would be as quick as falling asleep. 

He shaked the pills onto his hands, hopefully, they’re enough to work. Jisung doesn’t know how many it would take for it to work, so he emptied the bottle instead since the bottle is nearly empty anyways. With no more hesitation, he quickly popped them in his mouth and drank the water he set on his bedside. 

Jisung was mildly alarmed on how quickly it takes effect and he’s becoming extremely dizzy so he quickly lay down on his bed and pulled the blankets on top of him. His eyelids were getting heavier and his breathing was coming in quick. 

_This is it_. Jisung struggled and fought to keep his eyes open and just like his battle, he lost. He doesn’t know what he’s waiting for.

He thought of the members sleeping soundly outside. He knows they’ll be okay and Jisung is gonna be okay too. Stays would be okay. They’re strong. All of them. Far stronger than he ever would have be.

He smiled before finally shutting his eyes.

**++**

( **_5:23_ **

Minho jolted awake. He was sweating and his stomach was churning. He felt nervous for some reason. He glanced at the clock and cursed quietly, detangling himself from everyone and stretching for a moment. He looked around and frowned, seeing the empty space beside him and the armrest where Jisung previously had been.

Thinking the younger probably went to bed after they all fell asleep, he quickly made his way to Jeongin and Jisung’s shared room. It was five in the morning and Jisung’s train will leave at seven and he hasn't packed yet. 

He opened the door and turned on the lights, seeing Jisung wrapped in his blanket and facing towards the wall. Minho yawned and ducked under his bed, remembering to fetch the toys and foods he promised for Minho’s cats.

He sat on his bed and tapped him gently. “Sungie, you’ll be late. Wake up now.”

No response. He rolled his eyes and yawned. He began tapping harder at the boy. “Come on, I better not hear you whining when your train left you.”

Minho frowned again when there’s still no response, the nervousness he felt earlier coming back. It may not look like it, but Jisung was the easiest to wake up. A sound louder than a normal speaking volume is enough for him to jolt awake.

Minho began shaking him, panic laced on his voice. “Han. Han? Jisung, don’t joke around now. Wake up.”

“Han, baby, come on. Wake up. Why aren’t you getting up?” He felt himself shouting now as he shook the other and he can vaguely hear Chan groggily walking towards the noise.

He kneeled on the bed and rolled Jisung over, heart stopping. Jisung’s face was pale and so was his lips. Minho held his hand and shivered at how cold it is, quickly throwing the blanket off of Jisung and placing his head on his chest. 

His heart began racing and he could quickly feel the tears welling up on his eyes when he didn’t feel the familiar heartbeat.

“Sungie? Sungie- Han, please wake up. Please, please, _please,_ _wake up_.” Minho begged, looking at Chan expectedly. “Hyung, help. He’s not-”

Chan was staring at something and he’s crying now too, completely frozen in his place. Minho followed his gaze and saw the emptied antidepressant pills on Jisung’s bedside drawer and that’s when he broke down. Tears spilled freely on his cheeks as he violently shook Jisung’s shoulder.

He didn’t even notice that the other members are now inside the room too. Changbin was sitting at Jeongin’s bed who was sitting beside him and crying as Changbin shakily called their manager. Chan finally moved from his place and was kneeling near Jisung’s bed, hand over his eyes as he talked to what seemed like an ambulance. Felix was just staring as he held Seungmin’s hand, the latter breaking into sobs.

Hyunjin was sitting on Jisung’s bed already, Jisung’s head on his lap as he gently tapped his cheeks and choked up on his words. “Ji? Ji, please _wake up_ . Please? Don’t do this to hyung. _I’m begging, please.”_ )

** ++ **

Jisung opened his eyes. He doesn’t know where he is and how he managed to get there. It’s strange too, because he seemed to be standing already.

He looked around and saw his own body. His own face is pale as well as his hands. His whole body aside from his head, covered in a white sheet. The other members are scattered around to what seems like the hospital’s morgue.

_It..worked?_

He was shook away from his thoughts when he heard a loud sob. Sobs actually. Jisung didn’t even hear anything before that.

He just noticed how loud everything is. How loud _everyone_ was. 

“I’m sorry,” Jisung glanced at the voice. A doctor? A diener? Jisung doesn’t know. “I’ll give you some time alone. Just press the button right at the door if you’re ready to go.”Chan nodded and the doctor quietly left the room. It was silent for a moment the only sound is Seungmin’s silent cry as he cried against Minho’s shoulder.

And Jisung saw it. The way Chan’s knees buckled and he fell to his knees and then everyone was crying and sobbing too. And Jisung cried with them.

Chan was the loudest out of them all. He was now kneeling beside Jisung’s body, head resting against his hand as he screamed and sobbed.

“Why? Sungie, why? _Why?_ ” And he just kept repeating it, breaking in English sometimes and Jisung can’t help sobbing loudly.

Felix was standing up and was holding his hand. A complete contrast to Chan as he cried more quietly but his shoulders shook violently and Jisung’s heart broke along with Felix’s voice when he kept calling his name. As if if he reached out enough to Jisung, he would come back. And Jisung really wants to reach out to them, so he did. He stopped halfway when he saw his arms, he was fading. And Jisung probably only has a few minutes left before he completely leaves them again and this time, for good. 

He walked towards Chan who’s still sobbing loudly and bent down to kiss his hands before laying his head against his leader’s as he listened to his wails. Those are the same hands that made tracks that made them who they are today. Those are the same hands who caught Jisung’s hand just in time whenever he was about to let go. 

He went to Felix next, kissing his cheeks where his freckles are scattered. Felix was probably the longest of them all that he kissed, he’s Jisung’s twin, afterall. Jisung adores his freckles and he hopes he has them in his next life. He’s not sure if he can pull it off the way Felix does, because Felix’s freckles look constellations and Felix himself is a star.

Jisung smiled slightly, seeing Jeongin still dressed in his hoodie. He was clinging to Changbin as if his life depended on it and Jisung’s heart kept shattering to pieces, especially when he saw Changbin. Changbin is strong, and Jisung is not sure if he ever saw Changbin this broken before and he felt sad that he’s the one who caused this. He ruffled Jeongin’s hair and kissed the top of his head, he’s the youngest. One of Jisung’s favourites if he’s being honest. 

Next was Seungmin. Seungmin was hard to hug since he was backed up in a corner and facing the wall. So Jisung just gave him a back hug and lay his head down at his nape, hearing the quiet sobs and hiccups from him. He doubts they can feel him so he held him tight as he can before kissing his nape. Seungmin was the one he wished he gave more affection to. Seungmin was the first to worry and to cry for him even from just a simple injury, though he wouldn't admit that. Seungmin _feels_ the most for everyone and out of everyone.

If Felix was the longest he kissed, Changbin was the longest he hugged. He never gets to hug his hyung as much as he admittedly wants to. And each rare moment that he does is engraved in his mind. There’s something about Changbin’s hug that’s special and he feels safe whenever he’s in his arms. Safe from everyone and safe from his thoughts. He hugged him again and kissed his forehead, imitating the affection Changbin always does to him whenever he just _knows_ Jisung’s drowning in his thoughts again.

(Changbin would ruffle his head once they’re both alone and Jisung would snap from his daydream to look at him quizzically.

“You’re thinking again.” He would say. “ _Bad_ kind of thinking. Hyung’s always here, okay?”

He then would proceed to kiss his forehead and he’d take away Jisung’s bad thoughts with him.)

Hyunjin was crouching down in the middle of everything. Heads buried deep in his arms, as he sobs almost as loudly as Chan. Jisung wants to wipe everyone’s tears away but he especially wants to wipe Hyunjin’s worries and doubts away.

His _hyung_ . His hyung who even once, never failed to listen to him. They started off rough, but Hyunjin was the only one who knew all of his secrets. Hyunjin would stay with him at the end of lessons when they were a trainee and they would sneak out. Hyunjin was the first person he came out to and Hyunjin welcomed him with open arms. Hyunjin was the first to know about Minho and Hyunjin is Jisung’s _soulmate_. They’re each other’s soulmate and Hyunjin told him as much. 

That’s why his heart broke all over again when he heard Hyunjin speaking. “Hyung- Hyung’s sorry, Sungie. I’m sor- sorry if you ever needed me and...and hyung didn- didn’t notice or knew. _I’m so..sorr- sorry.”_

Everyone seemed to break down at that and Jisung can’t handle them. He hugged Hyunjin’s crouching form, savouring the last time he’d get to do this. No more nights whenever Hyunjin would hug him to sleep and he worries. Worried that _who would be there for hyung to talk to him **for hours** and to hug him to distract him from his panic attacks?_ Hyunjin had his eyes shut, so he kissed his eyelids and earlobes. His eyes that just a single look at Jisung, he would know he needs him and his ears that are always open to listen for him.

Last was Minho. 

Minho is.. Jisung’s _everything_. Minho is the love of his life. His best friend before anything else. Minho accepts him wholeheartedly. Minho would kiss every part of Jisung that Jisung deemed ugly. He wasn’t crying. He was just staring ahead, but Jisung knows and Jisung can see how empty Minho feels inside. He was Minho's _everything_ and he knows that, because Minho would never fail to remind him that.

Minho was sitting at a chair and Jisung sat beside him, intertwining his almost gone fingers with the older and rested his head against his shoulder. He looked at the others again. He wished he didn’t have to see this, that the last thing he saw from them was when they were all cuddled together, before any of this happened.

Jisung closed his eyes and wished. Wished that when he opened them, he’d be back at the old JYP building playing games to help Felix improve his Korean. Or that when he opened his eyes, he was back to laying down on a trampoline with everyone as Changbin sang his part in I Am You. He wished when he opened his eyes, he was back at the stage with Stays grinning up at him and he would grin back because he’s with Stray Kids and Stays and they’re in an arena but he feels so much at _home._

He wished he just slept with the others back on the couch.

He wished to redo everything.

He snapped out of his thoughts when Hyunjin sat on the floor beside Minho and Jisung slightly smiled. Even when he was gone, Hyunjin managed to snap him out of his thoughts. He looked back at his and Minho’s intertwined hands and saw that he could barely see his own hands.

He sat up and bent down, kissing the ring he gave on Minho’s finger. He hoped he wouldn’t take it off. He’d probably just move it to a different finger. It’s a sad thought. That someday, Minho would place his promise ring on a different finger as he received a different and probably much more valuable ring on his ring finger. One that Jisung hoped he could’ve done and given him. At least he was the first one to put a ring on him, he thought.

He then kissed his lips next. It always managed to make thoughts fly out of his head and he kissed him warm and fully because this would be the last time. Last time for a long while, at least.

Felix shared a look with everyone before asking Chan if he should press the button to call the diener, but Chan softly pleaded not to and for _just a few more minutes with him, please_. 

Jisung’s eyes were getting blurry now and he looked around one more time. Changbin was still with Jeongin. Chan’s head was now buried on Felix’s neck. Hyunjin held Seungmin at his other arm as he held Minho’s hands on the other.

Jisung smiled. He knew his members would always be there for each other. Jisung _knows_ they’d be okay. Not fully, not soon. But they would be. Jisung regrets he has to leave them and leave a huge scar behind.

For the last time, Jisung shutted his eyes.

**++**

_**realstraykids** yo everyone~~! How’s my stays tonight? Hope you guys are good ^^ here’s a picture of me and of the members i took hehe~ i have a mission for you. Always be here for us, okay? The members need you and never forget to tell them you love them! Stay and i are the same, we love the members so much don’t we? I love stays too~ and I hope stays will never forget me ^^ ~ 🐿️_

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to scream at me about this on [ twitter ](https://twitter.com/gemophobia) or if you need someone to talk to ! :)  
> i cried writing this and what about it 
> 
> remember to check on your loved ones! ^^
> 
> [ international suicide hotlines](http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html)


End file.
